I ran into an acquaintance I hadn’t seen in a while yesterday at Starbucks. I was busy grading papers, and a business associate was waiting for him at a nearby table, so we just exchanged hi, how are you’s. Even if we had had more time, we would not have talked for more than a minute or two; we’re friendly but we’re not friends.
I’ve known him and his wife for years. I recently heard that they were getting divorced. That moment at the coffee shop was not the right time to tell him that I was sorry to hear about their breakup. I’m not sure when would be the right time; is there etiquette for expressing regret about the end of a marriage to someone who’s just one of those interesting people in the background of your life?
As he sat down, I heard him apologize to the person waiting for being late. He had the kids last night, he explained casually, and had to drive three different carpools this morning getting them to school. It struck me that while I was stuck in the awkwardness of seeing him for the first time since I learned of his divorce, he was comfortably settled in his new life, playing the role of the single dad.
I sat there at the next table for a few moments, mourning the death of his marriage as he cheerfully discussed business over coffee. I’m sure he’s already mourned, or maybe still is, but for now, he’s moved on. But we are surrounded these little losses every day, whether they belong to us or someone else. The intricacy of the interconnected web of relationships that form the fabric of our lives scares me almost as the fragility of those human relationships. When one of those strands shatters, it reverberates along the web like impulses along a nerve. Why was I so affected by an acquaintance’s divorce? Is it because this newly single parent with young kids is only a few years older than me, and it was too uncomfortable to imagine myself in his position? Or was I just feeling the residual loss that accompanies a divorce, a shard from that shattered relationship?
I have a sense that he probably wouldn’t want me to say anything to him about him and his wife. A divorce is not like a real death, where you send a card to express your condolences from a polite distance. So I guess I’ll just keep smiling when I see him, and asking how he’s doing without expecting an honest answer. Right now, though, I’m going to go drink a glass of wine with my husband, and watch TV on a tired Friday night. And hold hands.
6 comments:
This has nothing to do with class, but I loved the post. I too spent most of yesterday obsessing about why love either lives or dies. And one thing I decided is that people often make the mistake of thinking they have "forever." And they don't. You have to treat the person you love, every day, as if you might never see them again.
I, too, loved your blog. Speaking from the vantage point of a 38 year marriage, however, I don't think that your projected concern caused by your friend's divorce(or Colin's for the life or death of love) is warranted in evaluating the endurance of your marriage. The marriage "partnership" is just that, depending far more on the interwoven factors, similarities, and dissimilarities that tied you together in the first place than on the vicissitudes of romantic love or sexual attraction.I've been in and out of "Love" with my wife countless times over the years, but I've never stopped loving her. Consideration of one another's needs, kindness, forgiveness, and adaptability to change in each other will ultimately determine the longevity of your marriage. The manner in which you write about it is, I think, a very good sign.
I, too, loved your blog. Speaking from the vantage point of a 38 year marriage, however, I don't think that your projected concern caused by your friend's divorce(or Colin's for the life or death of love) is warranted in evaluating the endurance of your marriage. The marriage "partnership" is just that, depending far more on the interwoven factors, similarities, and dissimilarities that tied you together in the first place than on the vicissitudes of romantic love or sexual attraction.I've been in and out of "Love" with my wife countless times over the years, but I've never stopped loving her. Consideration of one another's needs, kindness, forgiveness, and adaptability to change in each other will ultimately determine the longevity of your marriage. The manner in which you write about it is, I think, a very good sign.
Thanks for your comments. I guess that answers the question of whether I get personal on my blog. This thing happened, it was mulling around in my head, and I needed somewhere to put it, so I wrote about it on my blog. I'm glad if it made sense to you guys in some way.
And Papa Bill, it's not so much any particular concern about my relationship; it's more the realization that every relationship is vulnerable, no matter how strong or entrenched it may be. I guess I agree with Colin, that we need to appreciate the people in our lives while they are there, in the moment. I think that ties in with your point, though, that a marriage is a partnership that requires attention and energy that we don't always have when we need it, but fortunately the gauge is set to measure the long haul, not the bad day.
Let me add my two cents.
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
First, I should note that both my wife and I are on our second marriages, so I can speak first hand about divorce. In my case, my divorce was fairly amicable. We worked through a lot of our issues in mediation and have a very good framework where parenting is equally shared. Nonetheless, it is incredibly heart wrenching to go through a divorce, and as much as I like to be very open about personal things in blogs, there are things about divorce that I just can’t talk about, even in a blog.
From this perspective, I would actually encourage you to speak to your friend about his divorce. He may be able to portray things as being well resolved and speak glibly about the carpool logistics of a single dad, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t real deep hurts that are still there. If you are sorry about what has happened, and it sounds as if you are, you should say, “I’m sorry to hear about your divorce.” If your friend is anything like I was, he will probably look down for a moment, maybe even close his eyes, then look up and with a weak smile and say, “thank you”. He will change subjects, but he will probably sleep a little better that night because you said that. Divorce isn’t a little loss that you easily move on from.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.
How does this relate to blogging? Actually, I think it fits in pretty nicely. I’ve spent a lot of time talking about social networks. People are the nodes. The links between people are the relationships. Too many people think of networks in terms of nodes and links, and overlook the third important component of networks, the flow. Any link, or relationship that is getting too little flow, or too much flow ends up changing over time. It breaks down, it gets stronger. It changes.
Day after day, love turns grey
Like the skin of a dying man.
Night after night, we pretend its all right
But I have grown older and
You have grown colder and
Nothing is very much fun any more.
Part of what I walked away with from my divorce was a commitment to be more open, to reach out more, to try and understand better what others are saying and to say better what I am feeling. Maybe that’s part of the reason I blog.
ok,I must start by admitting...I am not a writer, so I won't try to impersonate one.
I was deeply moved by your writing piece, maybe because I know this man as well, and partly because I know his wife and children. Not intimately, but well enough to know, that he is not OK, but resolute. The decision was not his.
I grew up in a house just like theirs; and when my mother announced, after 29 years, that she was through, the only one that was surprised, was my father! It just takes more for some people than others, to really take a good, honest look at themselves. And if they are not willing to do that, then you have to save yourself, I guess.
So, I know first hand, and I truly believe there is no "good divorce",
for all parties involved.
From where I sit, having lived through, both parents going through divorce twice, it doesnt get better, just more complicated...as I watch them exchange one problem for another and so on...
I must share one final point: I am happily married...18+ years.
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